“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
You Might Also Like
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party