Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
what day is it?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁