Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
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A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.