Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
*Seductively hides in the woods
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it