Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
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Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
🍞🦆
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.