@goldengateblond

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

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@nyquills

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

@chimneyspotter

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

@Mechaniz10

Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.

Not all heroes wear crepes.

@Chhapiness

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

@what_a_messs

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

@Bandersnaaatch

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

@Dschnoeb

Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.

@TheHyyyype

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

@Ndeshi_M

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.