Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

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God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?


Horse: God? why?


PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet


Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.

Not all heroes wear crepes.


20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party


Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*


When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.


Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.


me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know


I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.