wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
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What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
(True)
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
$4 #usedbooks
taking June’s advice to heart