wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
(Musicians.)
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]