Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

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Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?

Me: Yeah, hold on.

*hands phone to 5yo*

Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.


Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”


I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.


Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.


Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car


If you ask me to review a restaurant, I have two answers. “The hamburgers are good.” And, “They don’t have hamburgers.”


I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.


[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”


me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes