Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?
Me: Yeah, hold on.
*hands phone to 5yo*
Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
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Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
If you ask me to review a restaurant, I have two answers. “The hamburgers are good.” And, “They don’t have hamburgers.”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes