Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
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[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?