Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
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Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.