I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
You Might Also Like
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
You had me at “define legal”.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.