My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor