@Tups13

Wait. What? You need two people for sex? What does the other one do?

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@DanMentos

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

@TheToddWilliams

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

@RobElliottComic

[having sex]

Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS!

Her: USE YOUR HANDS!

Me: *raises the roof*

@KimmyMonte

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

@NikiWithIssues

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

@JohnLyonTweets

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

@ch000ch

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

@TheMichaelRock

Shout out to Debra on Facebook for saving lives by letting everyone know that the snow is slippery.

@david8hughes

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

@Elizasoul80

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.