Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

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I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it


FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone


For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.


Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.


Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck


why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*


“If you have a ministry like Jesus it will probably be made up of about 12 people who don’t get your illustrations, & 1 wants to kill you.”


In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position


I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.