@AimeeHelene1

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

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@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@Derpey

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.

@GrantTanaka

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

@Marcmywords2

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

@hansabumsadaisy

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

@Dawn_M_

The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.

@SketchesbyBoze

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

@ericsshadow

[at my high school reunion]

Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb’s house?

“Dude that was in 1991.”

@bonehugsnirony

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

@0point5twins

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”