Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
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[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.