One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
When I met you I was completely blown away because the wind was ridiculous.
My daughter said she was in a memoir. I was intrigued until I realized what she said was meme war.
Whatever tickles your fancy, Love.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped Wearing them
This meal prepping shit easy
[just time traveled to the past]
them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works
me: lol no
them: can u explain literally anything
me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks