Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.