@RobDenBleyker

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

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@DanMentos

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@sass_slinger

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

@gaynorlsimpson

When I met you I was completely blown away because the wind was ridiculous.

@SumbodyShootMe

My daughter said she was in a memoir. I was intrigued until I realized what she said was meme war.

Whatever tickles your fancy, Love.

@BunAndLeggings

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

@TheAndrewNadeau

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

@notorious_stars

My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped Wearing them

@randypaint

[just time traveled to the past]

them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works

me: lol no

them: can u explain literally anything

me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks