Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Before college, I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, but now I’m confident I have no idea what I’m doing.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I don’t like snakes, but “Diarrhea on a Plane” would be a lot scarier.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.