Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
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Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.