Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
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I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Good morning!
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Festive toon…
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.