Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.