day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
How can I say no to this ?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Home #decor warning.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE