@ClichedOut

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

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@CrockettForReal

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

@CandyEmpires

Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.

@TheCamJude

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

@heatherlou_

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

@hunz74

Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.

@clichedout

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

@hidingfromme

Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”