Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

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1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us


Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.


“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”



My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.


Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.


me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most


Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”