@ClichedOut
@CrockettForReal
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
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@CrockettForReal
@T_Bonezzz_
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
@CandyEmpires
Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.
@TheCamJude
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
@heatherlou_
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
@westcoastgurl
Don’t think of me as 40. Think of me as two 20 yr olds.
@hunz74
Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.
@clichedout
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
@hidingfromme
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”