Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
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ok hear me out: Luigiana
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Living the best life.. 😊
We have a winner.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena