Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks