They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
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Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.