@notacroc

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

- @notacroc

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@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

@FeralCrone

4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.

@Darlainky

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

@polksalad

Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.

@SteveSuckington

[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter]

Him: Hey sweetie how’ve you been?

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: lmao

*my daughter and I high five*

@lecalabara

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

@TrainedHedonist

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

@PaulFrei

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

@RowdyBowden

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”