The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
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Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The Weeknd is back
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Welcome to the stomach