Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Not my job 😂
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?