Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
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Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
What do you hear?