Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
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Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I’d need a ouija board
As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself
God these don’t fit me very well
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My girlfriend says she’s my best friend but she got so mad when I called her a homo and threw a snowball at her face. Women are so confusing
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.