Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

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Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.


Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I’d need a ouija board


As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself

God these don’t fit me very well


IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?


My girlfriend says she’s my best friend but she got so mad when I called her a homo and threw a snowball at her face. Women are so confusing


her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia


A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back