@TweetPotato314

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

You Might Also Like

@EJGomez

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

@Tmoney68

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

@themorris23

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

@3sunzzz

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

@BigHeb7

I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

@Tmoney68

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

@JediGigi

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

@dumbbeezie

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

@Juicedballs

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas