waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
You Might Also Like
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.