waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
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Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.