Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
fixed it
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.