Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
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oh my god
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
#CatsOnTwitter
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Challenge accepted.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*