Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
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me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.