waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them