waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
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Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.