waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
You Might Also Like
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’m tired tomorrow.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.