Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
this is why you should always wash behind your ears