You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
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Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
There is no “i” in “team,” but there is a lot of “alcohol” in my “fridge” because I enjoy abusing my liver.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not