Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.


Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..


There is no “i” in “team,” but there is a lot of “alcohol” in my “fridge” because I enjoy abusing my liver.


I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.


Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.


Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]


The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.


Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂


Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not