Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Suddenly I’m not thirsty.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me: *passes out pizza*
3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2
Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices*
3: wow, thank you
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried