Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
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People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
This was the best day of my life
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
me irl
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.