@thejessbess

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

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@MarfSalvador

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

@dmc1138

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

@ch000ch

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

@DaddyJew

Me: *passes out pizza*

3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2

Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices*

3: wow, thank you

@MavenofHonor

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

@rad_milk

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

@bartandsoul

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried