@CulturedRuffian

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

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@Tommytoughstuff

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

@maughammom

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

@BrokenPalabras

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

@SteveKoehler22

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

@kevnasto

According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries

@ThisOneSayz

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

@dadofbieber

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

@bracealmighty

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.