waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

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“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.


Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.


If I get killed, would you make my chalk outline slimmer? Thanks.


A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”


Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT…but wouldn’t even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?



–spirited debate


Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home


Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy