@_elvishpresley_

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

You Might Also Like

@samdunsiger

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

@kimlockhartga

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

@lildandeli0n

If I get killed, would you make my chalk outline slimmer? Thanks.

@RalphSudafed

A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”

@kcmoore51

Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT…but wouldn’t even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?

@fro_vo

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

@Mom_Overboard

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

@AmericanGent69

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy