waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
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“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.