If my calculations are correct, then someone else did them for me.
Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu?
Me: Did you laminate these yourself?
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.