Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: Did you laminate these yourself?

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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.


ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?


Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity


If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.


PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.


I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas


I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.