waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
sry
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
How to make infinite energy.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?