Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
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I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
reminder
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“What?”
– Jude
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.