Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
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GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
1. Cover elevator floor with glue.
2. Put ring on floor.
3. Wait for someone to kneel and get stuck.
4. “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?