Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
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taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you