waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
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The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart