Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
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Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
A completely valid reaction tbh
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I need to get some bricks…
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer