waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
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first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
i now pronounce you bounced.