People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Oh no
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes