waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
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Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I’m about to risk it all
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Dune (2021)
This is the one
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.