I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[before eggnog was invented]
wish i could gag but festively
I’m a man with a very specific set of skills. Woodworking, mostly. And so help me, God, I’m going to find you and build you a bench.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂
Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologize to every single person I’ve ever talked to.
Someone needs to open a bar called “The Gym”. Then I too can be annoying on Facebook by posting how I’m always at the gym.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.