waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
best review i’ve ever seen
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.